The last 5 years have not been fun,,,but I always walk in Faith and Hope

April 27, 2009 I lost the man of my dreams, my heart and my soul. When John passed after fighting so hard to recover from the medical issues of December 2008 that left him depending on me 24/7  it was truly the most devastating thing I have ever gone through.  I have lost important people in my life , all of my grandparents, great aunts and uncles , my father, friends and I grieved for them .  But when John died it was like my very breath and reason for living had been ripped from my body and heart.  People would laugh at us at times , because we were in love and we acted at times like teenagers.  And then there were other times where we quietly enjoyed our life together, like the nights we would go to bed early to study the bible. One night one of John;s daughters asked us why we did such a thing,,,and then it was like a light bulb went off and she said very straight faced....I know you are studying for the test.  Oh Marie...you were such a sweet gem, I am so sorry that you got caught in the crap between your sisters and I and that your last year on earth after your dad died you let them run your life.  I would have helped you get to a real doctor and maybe your fate would not have followed so closely to your dads .  You always deserved to be happy,,,

A lot of bad things happened after John died, I lost a job I loved , I had no income, I found out my two of my step daughters hated me the whole time I was with their father, so all of a sudden the family I had loved for almost 10 years , including grandchildren were gone.  And they stood at his funeral and mocked me one last time.   Except when their sister died the following year of cancer and they threatened me if I tried to attend the funeral they would make sure I was not allowed in.  All of this and the loss of My Beloved John sent me spiraling to depths of despair and depression I had never imagined anyone could feel .  The one anchor or saving grace was our dog Winston , the English bulldog I had bought John and my youngest daughter Larisa.  Larisa had moved back to the home when John came home from the Hospital to help me, she was a true blessing,  

In October 2009 my girls Laureta and Larisa , my dog and Larisa;s kitten packed the van and headed to the mountains of Cherokee to spread John's Ashes.  It was the one place we made sure to go almost every year and we loved it there. Our goal was to retire there in a little cabin in the mountains, but the C Beast kept that from happening.   The girls and I spent 4 days in hard pouring rain in a tent outside of Cherokee waiting for the 27th of October which would have been John and I's 7th wedding anniversary.  On that day in the pouring rain I spread his ashes at our favorite place and it seemed so appropriate that it was raining as hard as it was . it represented all the tears I had cried and still had to cry over the loss of him and our amazing life together.  We were never rich , but we were comfortable , if we met someone who needed help we helped them if we could, we loved to travel and because of John I flew in my first plane to Las Vegas.  I saw the Red Rock Canyons  and the Valley of Fire ...and so much I would have missed without him in my life.

We went to Las Vegas 3 times and each time was more special than the last one , we even went to the Stardust one night and saw Don Rickles perform.  It was awesome. 

The name of this blog is because of John, he told his sister one night when he was talking to her about me that he loved me because I was a Bohemian woman, not the first time I had been called that, and it is fitting.What blew me away was that he would know or think that of someone.  He was very intelligent but people did not give him credit.  I did and when I discovered his love of the Civil War , I started buying him books about it...he would read and then could have any discussion about any part of it in great length.



Next will be more of the last 5 years and what the future holds for me now.